*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.