Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.