Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
the rocks need my help
you have three unread messages
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.