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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
and this one
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Happy Taco Tuesday
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.