Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.