I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
You Might Also Like
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.