If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
ok like just. call me at this point
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising