I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Breaking news:
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
can you read it!!??
maan!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written