my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it