Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
waiting for halloween be like:
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years