Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
You Might Also Like
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”