“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY