Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
True
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.