Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“TGIM!” – My liver
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.