Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend