i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
goldfish mafia
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.