I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My favorite farside!!
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever