The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi