My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
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Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.