At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Overindulged this afternoon.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Breaking news:
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.