In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
True.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
damn he’s good
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Writing, She Murdered.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.