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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
That’s enough internet for the day
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.