When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately