Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
This is my brand.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?