Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.