Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.