romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry