Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea