This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I鈥檓 taking you out of the will.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I鈥檓 just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
protagonist: tag you鈥檙e it
antagonist: no you鈥檙e it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I鈥檓 by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn鈥檛 too fond of leaf blowers either. And don鈥檛 even get Nature started on car alarms.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn鈥檛 this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]