Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”