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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take