How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.