I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches