ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic