I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
You Might Also Like
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.