I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.