cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?