*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.