*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
emergency phone
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Sticker placement is key.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️