Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
😂💯
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries