8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Confused owl: What?!
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
pep talk
Botany good plants lately?
We’ve all been there
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.