Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
You Might Also Like
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
time for some seasonal decor
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.