You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I laughed at this way too hard.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
You know…for fall…