If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?