It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Raisins are grape jerky.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish