I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
A bold strategy
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Not messing around
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here