One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
You Might Also Like
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)