If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
What
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.