ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My life in a nutshell
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The real reason evolution started..😂
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Bloody internet 😳
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb