Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
So inspired right now.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”